The more I listened to this song, the more I felt like the lyrics didn’t make any sense. And then it hit me one day… Carly Rae Jepsen is a crazy stalker bitch. Don’t believe me? LET’S GO TO THE LYRICS.

I threw a wish in the well,

Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell

Right off the bat, she’s saying she knows more than she’s telling. Specifically, that she sits outside his house every night with a pair of binoculars and one of those finger vibrators. 

I looked to you as it fell,

And now you’re in my way

Wait, is this well by the boy’s house? Or is she seeing his reflection in the well? Does he go to the well every day too, and she think they’re soulmates because they both wish stupid things with coins? DID SHE TRY TO DROWN HIM IN THE WELL SO SHE COULD HAVE HIM FOREVER?!?! 

I’d trade my soul for a wish,

You’re no Ariel, and this isn’t The Little Mermaid.

Pennies and dimes for a kiss

He’s not a prostitute.

I wasn’t looking for this,

BULLSHIT.

But now you’re in my way

BECAUSE YOU’RE STALKING HIM, YOU CRAZY CRAZY BITCH.

Your stare was holdin’,

Ripped jeans, skin was showin’

So clearly, he’s staring at you, because at this point, he’s thinking, “Hey, haven’t I seen you before? Like, EVERYWHERE I GO?” And she’s just standing there, looking at the holes in his jeans, hoping his wiener will pop out of one of them. (SPOILER ALERT: she doesn’t know much about wieners.)

Hot night, wind was blowin’

Maybe, by this point, you haven’t bought into my stalker theory. But this is the line that should AT LEAST make you realize that she’s a little crazy. I know that wind can blow on a hot night, and that’s why language has words like “but” or “however.” “The night was hot, but there was a wind blowin’.” YOU CAN’T JUST SAY THEM TOGETHER LIKE THEY MAKE SENSE. Unless you’re a crazy bipolar stalker lady who’s obsessed with ripped jeans. This is not 1995. No sane woman cares that much about ripped jeans.

Where you think you’re going, baby?

This line. This is it. Listen to it. The tone when she sings it? SO DESPERATE. That dude is RUNNING away from her. He took a moment, stared at her, listened to her say “So, how ‘bout this hot windy night, huh?” and went screaming in the other direction. Clearly, the chorus is her running after him and singing.  

Hey, I just met you,

And this is crazy,

HE KNOWS, BECAUSE YOU’RE CRAZY.

But here’s my number,

So call me, maybe?

I love that she puts “maybe” on it, like NOW she’s gonna be shy. Honey, he knows you’ve been following him. No point in playing coy now. Also, you’re running after him.

It’s hard to look right,

At you baby,

BECAUSE YOU’RE RUNNING AFTER HIM AND YOU’RE LOOKING AT HIS BACK.

But here’s my number,

So call me, maybe?

I like to imagine she’s got, like, 500 business cards with her name on it, and she’s just chucking them at his head like ninja stars. (Are they called ninja stars? [looks up] Apparently, they’re usually called throwing stars, and officially known as shuriken. I’m learning things! But I’ll still call them ninja stars.)

Hey, I just met you,

Did y’all even meet? Or were you throwing coins in a well (that is either his well on his farm [I dunno, he’s got a farm now, I guess], or a well that he frequents and you know that because YOU’RE STALKING HIM) whilst ogling him creepily, and then he stared at you before promptly running away?

And this is crazy,

But here’s my number,

So call me, maybe?

I’m starting to think she’s running out of steam. Or she’s gone into that state of “uber-crazy” where they just repeat themselves until someone gives them more medication.

And all the other boys,

Try to chase me,

She’s slowing down, so now she’s trying to convince the guy that’s she’s a hot commodity. “Yeah, that’s fine, because all these other dudes are chasing ME, so I don’t even need to chase you anymore! So… see ya!” And then she goes back to the well, or his house, and waits for him to show up again.

But here’s my number,

So call me, maybe?

And this time, it’s all sad, like she’s given up. Oh, but HELL NO, she’s hasn’t given up. She’s just getting started.

You took your time with the call,

He didn’t call because you’re crazy.

I took no time with the fall

I dunno… I bet you stalked him for a legit 2 months before you fell for him. And by “for him,” I mean, “out of a tree by his bedroom.”

You gave me nothing at all,

Except lots and lots of creepy dreams where you think y’all are married with 72.5 kids.

But still, you’re in my way

You’re in HIS way?! Honey, he’s on his way to the police station to file a restraining order on your ass.

I beg, and borrow and steal

She’s homeless because her full-time job is stalking him. Also, she breaks into his house and steals his stuff so that she can have his “essence.”

Have foresight and it’s real

He comes back from the police station and she’s laying on his bed, rolling around in his clothes. Of course, to her, this means they’re living together. “IT’S REAL,” she thinks. And sings, I guess.

I didn’t know I would feel it,

See? She’s rubbing herself on his stuff. Naked, probably.

But it’s in my way

Your foresight? Feeling it? I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S IN YOUR WAY, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN CRAZY SELF.

Your stare was holdin’,

Ripped jeans, skin was showin’

Hot night, wind was blowin’

Where you think you’re going, baby?

“TO CALL THE COPS, OH MY GOD, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU CRAZY BITCH.”

Hey, I just met you,

And this is crazy,

But here’s my number,

So call me, maybe?

It’s hard to look right,

At you baby,

But here’s my number,

So call me, maybe?

Hey, I just met you,

And this is crazy,

But here’s my number,

So call me, maybe?

This whole part is just her singing to herself while writhing around on the bed. Which, admittedly, would be hot to dudes. (Hey, I’m aware that Carly Rae Jepson is a pretty lady.) However, dudes need to remember that it doesn’t matter how hot a lady is… it’ll never be enough to make up for crazy. 

And all the other boys,

Try to chase me,

That’s the police. And they need you to put some clothes on.

But here’s my number,

So call me, maybe?

As she’s being dragged from the house, kicking and scream-singing.

Before you came into my life

I missed you so bad

I missed you so bad

I missed you so, so bad

Before you came into my life

I missed you so bad

And you should know that

I missed you so, so bad

Um. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?!?! How can you miss someone before they came into your life? Oh, just kidding, I know what it means. IT MEANS YOU’RE A CRAZY STALKER LADY WHO WAS FOLLOWING HIM AROUND FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG BEFORE YOU DECIDED TO “MAKE A MOVE” EXCEPT THAT MOVE WAS AT A WELL OR MAYBE YOU TRIED TO DROWN HIM IN THE WELL OR SOMETHING AND THEN HE RAN AWAY FROM YOU AND NOW YOU’RE IN JAIL BECAUSE YOU’RE CRAZY. CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY.

The rest of the song just repeats itself. But you get the picture. Now someone make THIS into a music video for the song.